I Was Wrong
I have to write this post because there’s been weird reddit speculation about my love life. Also… fuck I think I’m feeling again. Fuck fuck fuck. Let’s talk about it. I knew pretty early and have felt consistently queer. This has never been a problem. I live in a world where sex is commodified, ample and available. Fucking hot people regardless of their gender is a fun activity to me. No big! It makes having sex and enjoying it so easy. I rarely have to worry about work in terms of me being in the mood.
This doesn’t address my relationship status or romantic preferences. I used to think it was as simple as queer but always felt something off. I didn’t know if I was mono, emn or anything. I primarily identified as a mono swinger. I assumed this label fit because I wanted to date but more importantly fuck openly. Then I researched aromanticism and thought I was that. Aromantic means disinterested in and not capable of being romantic despite sexual attraction. To give context from back to my teen years I was not a very verbally romantic or emotional person. My emotions are happy, horny, existential and angry. I just wanted to fuck. While I enjoy taking care of my lady or man or both whatever, I have my issues. I am terrible at telling people HOW I FEEL ABOUT THEM. I’m an ice queen with 33 years of glacial steel around my heart. It takes more than a minute to melt. I struggle with being vulnerable and hate showing people my flaws. Oh let’s talk about how terrible I am at knowing whether someone is mad at me or not. Admittedly, I’m not focused on negative shit so I disassociate. Dating me is weird. I would rather have low key dates like gun range or fishing or running or working out than going to some bullshit overpriced club (a challenge where I live). Not only that but for years I was left underwhelmed by romance despite having great/healthy partners and dating prospects. All signs pointed to aro.
But… I think I was wrong. Ew. I hate saying that but I do it when apt. I think for a while I was dealing with great partners who misaligned sexually. They didn’t match my libido. This needs to be at the top of my value list. Fortunately I’m finding more people like me than ever in my industry. This begs the question, could I ever be with someone romantically again? Hmmm sure if I found the right person or people🤔… this is a hypothesis worth testing. There might be hope for me! It’s proving so already as I’ve made friends who are like me. Friends are a great place to start if you abhor dating apps. Friends themselves can become partners. If that doesn’t work friends can introduce to potential partners. Come on guys this is literally how the greatest generation met each other. If I was ever going to do the whole marriage and commitment thing again I think this is the only place I have a chance at finding it.
Mentally sorting through dating possibilities has been both fun but overwhelming. I’ve met people like me who don’t think I’m a psycho for having my sex drive. Like I masturbate 3-5 times a day sometimes. I am open to having a deviant emperor in the future. Or hey empress too! There’s room for at least one other person to rule over my kingdom! It’s been bad guys. I’ve just been unhinged and letting myself have crushes. Scary. Absolutely horrifying. You know I upheld the cold ice bitch thing for YEARS until I met these people. They’re bringing out the ooey goey authentic center of my meatsack which is terrifying. Good thing for me I like terrifying things :)!
Selfishly, impatiently, desperately I want a romantic label to identify with god damn it - poly, Aro, mono SOMETHING. I like classifications and order and this isn’t it. I tried typical monogamy and was capable of it but struggled with the partners’ lack of sustained libido. I value sex a LOT. I need to have it often with my partner to be happy. So then I tried swinging and poly. It started off fun but dishonesty ruined the arrangement. It worked well in college but it was harder as an adult before porn. Not only did I worry about STDs and unwanted pregnancies, it’s easier to lie in these arrangements. There’s less pressure on exact time amount spent. Things can easily become inequitable if parties don’t disclose necessary information for all involved’s consent.
So where am I going with this? Well having a roommate who’s literally licensed in therapy helps. We chatted and she thinks I’m handling this well. Here is where I’m at. While I’m anxious to have some label in terms of my orientation, I can still enjoy the process of connecting with people. I TELL people who get too close what’s going on. I don’t want to slip back into my fearful avoidant tendencies and just disappear on people I love. I’m healthy and safe. Therefore I’m happy. Regardless of WHAT my next relationship will be - if it’s monogamous, poly, whatever, the bottom line is I need several things. I need to STILL feel happy, healthy, and safe. I also need to feel trusted and mutually respected.
If coupledom is meant for me, I am a female and it will find me. I’m not chasing shit. It’ll happen if it needs to. Not to be grim either, but even with “permanent” monogamy, love things don’t last forever… Complicated grief really fucked me up but taught me one thing. Your relationships are not forever because we do not live forever. So even if anyone finds their end-all be-all forever person, we all have to live alone. We all have to learn to be strong on our own if not for our person, for ourselves and our sanity. Being resilient and open to change makes people ”high value” partners and humans in general. It also helps you feel happy and value life no matter your relationship status.
